Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I supernannyed him into submission
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
