mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
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how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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