You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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