I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
