had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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