If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
