good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
