I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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