So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
