You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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