I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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