Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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