This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
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