dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
