omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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