oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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