Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
