I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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