I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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