From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Boobs are out for the taking
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
