Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i came on her dog
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
