i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
