she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
