if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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