Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I party with great urgency now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
