I'm drive I can fine osifer
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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