so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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