Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
