Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo