I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...