I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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