I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
