Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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