They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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