How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
