i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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