I'm really into asian looking animals
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
