afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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