Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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