forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
