I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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