why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Floor bacon is actually really good
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