the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
