Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
