She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
