Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
