why didn't you poke me back
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
