So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
