90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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