forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
