i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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