I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
