You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
