The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The Olympian is in my bed
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