Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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