i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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